Monday, 27 February 2012

What Was I Thinking?

"What was I thinking?" is the question we ask ourselves regarding our Ex.
 I myself have had (and seen) really bad relationships as I was growing up

and it took me a while to realize this, but I did it. 

My first boyfriend wasn't exactly that involved in the relationship, for him all that mattered was the fact that he was in one -.-' and when we finally broke up, I would feel awkward and ashamed in his presence and today when I see him the first thing that pops in my head is "What were you afraid of?"

It did not get any better when I got my first long relationship with this bisexual guy who looked like Pitbull(not the dog), he had such a temper that I'll never forget and he was such an immature coward who happened to know a lot about cheers, but long story short it never worked out with us cause the guy wanted to get married and I didn't (Dafuck.. I was only 16/17)so he ended up falling in love with his best friend -.-' again whenever he is mentioned I ask myself  "Why?"

The third relationship I had was the worst of them all and the funny thing is that I though that it was the real thing - that this was the one I was going to settle down with. I seriously don't know what to tell or what not to tell, but one thing is for sure, this guy was the sickest manipulative person I've ever met. this guys was an Emo version of Prince and had mood swings like me on my period. He was so damn emotional and at a time I was fed up, I did everything I could every single day(like Shakira expressed it in she wolf: I've been devoting myself to you Monday to Monday and Friday to Friday. I'm starting to feel just a little abused like a coffee machine in an office) just to cheer him up, but in his eyes whatever I did was wrong.
He had me around his little finger and knew what buttons to press for my self-esteem to disappear. Whenever he was insecure he would pull it out on me and as naive as I was, I thought that I could save him from himself - that I would love him enough for him to never feel alone (as he felt at times). Nevertheless, this jerk was another case, so I decided to leave him after an ugly break up, but one moths after I missed him even though I knew that he wasn't any good for me - we got buck together. It didn't get any better at all, in fact it got worse - it was all about sex and I became more of a booty call than a girlfriend. He made me feel bad about myself for not wanting to have sex with him - for not losing my virginity to him and he had the nerve to say that there were other girls wanting to be with him so I was wasting his time with my drama.
- I don't know how many tears I've cried for this guy but it sure wasn't worth it! on the 16th  I once and for all ended the whole thing - or he ended it, cause he didn't want me to on the phone so he did and said  we only should remain friends.
At this time my self-esteem was at the lowest of the lowest and the person who helped my was my cousin Cynthia - we spend time talking about him and laughed about the whole mess... And with that I got a hold on myself again.

I swear I've been wanting to send him this song and let him know that I'm over and done with him, cause I know that still today he probably think that he was the best thing that ever happened to me and that I'll never  find someone like him(well what can I say he was a bit... maybe a bit self-centred).

 Since  this song is made, it means that a lot of women (and men, for that matter) have had that one really bad relationship that make them go: "What was I thinking?" every time they think about it!
And lately most of my girlfriends who just have been  in an unhealthy relationship and blaming themselves for whatever bad that happened, and I as the good friend try to make them realize that the problem weren't them but him!  We as women are witnesses to a lot of sorrow from men and it's about time we stand with our heard high and say
We shouldn't be the victims of insecure domestic violence men, immature cheating men, men who takes everything for granted and men who are manipulative.
We damn well deserves better and we should not let any man treat us like objects, we are humans - we have a heart and all we need  to do everything to protect it and save it to someone who deserves it!
Yes we should be able to forgive those men who did us wrong, but let's not make it a habit and let them make us targets cause we are vulnerable.
- The love that we have in us can never be measured with men's and the love we give is not even close to what they give!
So hell yeah we should value ourselves, be confident without a man and appreciate life itself, be the empress of our own world and not depend on any Mr. I'm-not-like-other-men-trust-me. We should not be ashamed of thinking high of ourselves and wanting the best in a man - A real man.
 We should know our worth and be empowered by that! Never underestimate your power and what you are capable of....

Love C

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